December - 12 - 2011

For all of you who don't know I have taken my blog out of the public eye. That would mean that nobody is reading this and I'm just talking to myself. I think I prefer it this way. I now don't try and say things to not offend dome people, I say what I feel... what I know. I also don't have to deal with the fact that no one looks at my blog and feel the insignificance of what I am writing. I want to be significant. Yet, I do not feel very significant. I know that I am significant but sometimes I just want to hide from everyone and not have interactions with anyone. Now is one of those times.
Just as I was sitting down to write this my wife wanted to give me attention. It was a little frustration because I was just about to do something, and it is late at night. I wanted to write this to record what I feel and what I think so when some soul does read this they might get to know me a little better. Though there is a part of me that hopes that no soul will ever see it.

I know I am weak and that I have many imperfections. I have a desire to help others but I feel inadequate to do so. One reason for that is my lack of ability and another is people not wanting my help or not wanting my presence. I am also a hypocrite in this for my wife has been trying to give me attention and let me know she loves me but I am caught up in my own sorrow and self pity to want attention or put myself aside and show my love by returning in kind the love I have for her. I feel embarrassed at my lack of heart and withdraw further into the hollow of my ineptitude.
I have no job. I hardly look for work  because I don't know what I want or where to go to find it. I cannot even take care of the house like I should since I am home all day. Today I sold a book online for five dollars. That is all I made today. I pick Darby up, late, and bring her home and have no food ready for her. She works and makes the money for our rent, food and all that we have at this time.
I have another grievance against me. I have gained about forty pounds over the past five years; I'm sure that it has made me less attractive to my wife. She is so good to me and I feel that I am constantly dropping the ball, or failing to pick it up.
I do not know what to do. I seem to float through life and not take control of it. I feel as if I allow events, people, and circumstances carry me where they will. This happens all the while as I stubbornly hold my views and give my opinions and try to make a difference in the world. I ask myself what the purpose is of what I do? How does a person change they way they are and they way they have been, yet still retain their positive qualities. I have positive attributes about myself, I would hope that I do but I do not want to brag because I know I have my faults.
I just wrote a thought I had that in a sliver of a part gives a glimpse of how I feel. "Robert Burns... How did you do it? You had so many wonderful insights but you were a despicable man in your personal life. Oh how you might have mourned your imperfections and your woeful life choices! With such great words such as yours, how can people with such lack of linguistic talents hope to be any better than you?" But we can be better, though rocky the way. The crushing stones and scratching sand can make something smooth and beautiful; something to be desired. I hope and pray that I can take these disadvantages to make me a better man... A better husband... A person who can be loved by any person because they see the good in me. Because they see godliness and they acknowledge God their Heavenly Father.